U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres has announced a new plan to save millions of people from rising sea levels by the year 2031: Kill retirees who didn’t die the last time oceans didn’t rise.
The switch was announced when it became clear that the “natural evolution” of French wasn’t happening fast enough and millions of Muslim immigrants demanded a more feminist language.
Construction of a fertility grotto has been suspended until the Yale women’s community can figure out what to do with the giant phallus.
“It would be cruel and unusual to force the homeless to endure the degrading decontamination procedure,” said a female staff member. “So we’re doing that for them. After all, what are public servants for?”
“I don’t care if San Francisco has fatbergs the size of jumbo jets lurking under our city streets,” said Mayor London Breed. “Women are protected from being dragged through the gutter by the patriarchy.”
President Jong-Un said he is “jealous of AOC” because the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea can still only afford 5-year plans.
Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) enlists Ben Shapiro as SecDef and says “we begin bombing coal plants in China and India 10 minutes after the inauguration.”