“Just imagine how many jobs we can create when homeless addicts from other states hear about our free housing offer,” said Mayor Mark Farrell.
“The police don’t just need reform,” says Brother Maynard. “The police need to be abandoned altogether. Our plan is to replace them with communists from Black Liberation Collective.”
There has been absolutely no increase in the number or proportion of women looking for work in Home Depot parking lots over the last ten years.
“We’re extremely proud for holding ourselves accountable to our values,” said Commission member Doni Blumenstock, “but we will never show or fund right-wing artwork ever again. It was just too painful.”
“People can react differently to others based on skin color whether it’s from birth, military service, or a tanning booth. Just ask the orange-faced Mafia don with small hands who’s posing as president,” said the Starbucks CEO.
President Nicolas Maduro ordered the production of the new Karl Marx bills despite being unable to say exactly how much a “less than zero bolivar” is worth. The official exchange rate is currently 49,478 bolivars per U.S. dollar.
Brown estimates he’ll have to read over 5 million comments just from the 2018 tweets. “If I can’t read every comment before the election, I’ll either die or vote Democrat,” he said. “Maybe both.”