“Compared to the patriarchy, what’s a little cancerous lip tattoo of the founder of the Indochina Communist Party?” said Fonda.
“I’m embarrassed to say it, but I didn’t even know I was at the Adult Video News Awards until the day after,” said the actor who insisted on anonymity.
“If it isn’t obvious, you’re not paying attention,” said CCPJ spokesman Josef Guevara. “We need a military coup to protect the separation of powers guaranteed by the Constitution.”
Fireman Joe Stackhouse spent years gathering body measurements of female firefighters. “I just hope these warehouse fires don’t put a damper on my efforts.”
Winfrey did not say she was running for president, but celebrities went wild when she said giving free stuff to the peasants didn’t start with Barack Obama.
“Calm the fuck down. This is the final launch of 2017, so we won’t be raping you from space until 2018,” said Vandenberg commander Col. Thomas Baiser. “Merry Christmas.”
Sources say the character of “Joseph Turner” is based on Times reporter Glenn Thrush and various TV news personalities including ABC’s Brian Ross and Univision’s Jorge Ramos.
“First, we’re going to close the cheap motel loophole. And if you have a penis, we’re putting you on notice – register with the Department of Justice or face stiff penalties,” said Newsom.