The mayor’s office released a statement saying it would be wise for us all to join with him, for only as a mighty army that is stronger together can we defeat this great evil.
“Imagine your kid wants to play in the snow but his wind-resistant fleece facemask needs to be ironed,” a Big Laundry lobbyist told us. “A blast of 400-degree steam to his face could kill him if our label didn’t warn you about that.”
Scientists unfazed after 73 computer models failed to accurately predict Climate Change and the worldwide phenomena of “Hot Women Posing With Guns.”
Good news: Griffin might die soon. Bad news: She’s only 59, and could subject us to 16 more years of her unbearable personality before offing herself so no one remembers her as feeble, ineffectual, and pathetic, instead of gross, hateful, and pathetic.
“We also want you to know that last week we said guns were evil, but today we’ve declared that guns are essential until we decide that guns are evil again, which should happen after we get back to ignoring typhus,” Garcetti said.
A peer-reviewed study conducted by Vanna White has found that Democrat presidential candidate Joe Biden didn’t know anything, and doesn’t know when he didn’t know it.
“Joe has been marked safe,” said campaign chairman Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “And I’m used to this kind of weirdness after chairing Beto’s failed campaign, so there’s no need to be alarmed.”
In a pivotal press conference today, President Trump blamed the COVID-19 virus on a viral Internet video that originated in the U.S., and the media immediately stopped blaming him for botching the COVID-19 response.
“Central planners of massive federal government cannot control foundation of where medical supplies and equipment come from,” de Blasio said on CNN’s “State of the Union of Socialist Republics” while wearing iron chains around his wrists.
Your mission is to build an elite disease disinformation team to push as many people as possible into panic and permanently weaken America. The first player to implement International Socialism wins.
A spokesman for China’s ministry of foreign affairs said if American newspapers want true Socialism, they must demand that Trump investigate and punish the journalists responsible for the insult.
“Data is transmitted to NORAD via the Geosynchronous Toilet Paper Tracking Satellite, or GitPits as the enlisted Space Force members have fondly named it,” said Master Chief Petty Officer of Space Force Kevin Davis.
