“The ‘bullet train’ stopped being an actual bullet train when we realized we’d have to share low-speed track with local commuter and freight services,” said a worker in Fresno who asked to remain anonymous. “That was in 2012.”
“We can’t have non-state actors diminishing our public relations efforts,” said Gov. Brown. “How many times do we have to deport these animals, anyway?”
California needs an America where undocumented private allegations can form the basis of social-media justice campaigns against evil people who believe in the presumption of innocence, and if that fails we can just kill federal judges.
“Democrats really are willing to do anything to prove that Donald Trump is a pervert,” said the club’s manager. “It’s been really good for business.”
“Our goal is for the Senate to take its obligation to the American public seriously,” said Burleigh. “American women should be lining up with their Senate kneepads on to demand respect for women in positions of power.”
The federal General Services Administration has hired a high-tech Swiss cuisine corporation to serve meals at the Congressional cafeteria, in the hopes that a neutral refreshment provider will keep Democrats and Republicans from killing each other.
Sacramento is looking for a new label, but a new invention by Tomato City “native son” Wichard Rong could throw a bong into plans for the rebranding as “America’s Farm to Fork Capital.”
“People say there’s a Muslim immigration ban, but this mission proves otherwise,” said Lightfoot. “If there are 72 million Muslim virgins on Mars, bringing them home would probably secure peace in the Middle East.”