Harvard professor calls for halt to ‘CO2 Sequestration Challenge’ until 2024
Three hours ago, consensus was that we had 12 years to save the planet by not killing ourselves, but the new deadline is 5 years.
Columnist Bret Stephens wins inaugural Sarah Jeong NYT White Male Castration Lottery
The procedure was carried out quickly by Jeong herself with a pair of high-quality castration pliers under the supervision of her colleagues on the Editorial Board.
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Taliban lays down arms after Parkland students take gun control message to Afghanistan
“I can’t quite believe it yet, but Mr. Hogg convinced a ragtag group of farmers that weapons of war like the AK-47 should not be in the hands of civilians,” said US special envoy Zalmay Khalilzad.
Bernie Sanders demonstrates Green New Jobs program by defecating on city sidewalk
“This Socialism shit is better than anything, man,” said one Democrat voter. Another used hand signals to indicate how bummed he was that Bernie didn’t do some fentanyl with him and his crew.
Jim Carrey jealous of Manson artwork, to ‘do something’ about it
“I’ve seen Carrey’s art. It reminds me of Charles. And not in a good way,” said a former LAPD detective.
‘Vermin’ organize after racists infest minor newspaper
The Sacramento Bee insulted CalEPA employees of color, saying rats are “infesting the courtyard” and the daycare is “crawling with vermin.”
Democrats: ‘Is It Safe’ to use racial profiling on national scale?
Some focus group participants said the senator seemed harmless enough. Others said Sanders threatened them with dental tools if they didn’t tell him what he wanted to know.
Supercomputer with ‘human-level intelligence’ to confirm ‘objective Marxist truth’ in 5 years
“What this means is we won’t have to murder millions of Europeans again in this century to enact our commonsense agenda,” said U.K. Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn.
