6:00 p.m. A helicopter has landed in front of City Hall, festooned with SPAM logos. A man dressed like Evel Knievel is getting into the helicopter.
This is literally the least we can do for you, and you need to be okay with that or we can just skip to #7. Happy Father’s Day.
Jack Dorsey was quick to tweet new pics of a halal chicken sandwich receipt, writing, “You’re right, everyone can now completely forget about their background.”
By patching both eyes of children in the control group, doctors found that the parts of the brain involved in moral reasoning developed a stronger sense of fairness and social justice.
Anonymous sources say Newsom plans to convert the Capitol basement into an Eco Fitness gym that uses modified exercise bikes to push power back into the electrical grid. Political appointees in charge of social policy would be harnessed to the bikes until they utter the safe word “audacious.”
“If the U.S. had given us half of the $22 trillion spent since the ‘war on poverty’ began in the 1960s, the U.N. could have eliminated almost 20 million poor people,” said U.N. expert Philip Alston.
“California will protect our humble public servants from radical authoritarians who forcibly suppress their opposition by controlling industry, commerce, and transportation,” said our virtuous Attorney General.
“The reason we wish death on the governor is that so many students don’t even have enough to eat,” said Engorged California spokesman Hugh Mungous.