Seriously, age 8 just isn’t that young anymore. People younger than that routinely handle critical government policies like stealing money from their mom’s wallet or hacking the school principal’s email account.
Scientists are using deep-drilling techniques to understand just how much CO2 humans can pump into the Earth without causing a catastrophic rejection event.
When her bank account was flush, she could afford to be cruel only to white men. Now she has to be mean to guys who aren’t white just to make ends meet. “It’s depressing,” she says, “but my commitment to socialism will see me through until I get the settlement check.”
“Our estimates are that Hollywood would only need 75 percent of the foreskins collected from the 600,000 legal abortions we induce every year,” said Planned Parenthood President Leana Wen. “There’s clearly no legitimate need to import Korean foreskins.”
“The ‘bullet train’ stopped being an actual bullet train when we realized we’d have to share low-speed track with local commuter and freight services,” said a worker in Fresno who asked to remain anonymous. “That was in 2012.”
“Imagine never having to worry about a dictator,” said Newsom. “EVOTE will enable smart, forward-thinking Democratic leaders to bear the burden of voting on behalf of all the people.”
Heavily-pregnant young women, who had previously demanded that their children be “subject to the jurisdiction” of the fascist dictator Trump, screamed “Not My President” as they sailed over the flimsy sheet-metal barrier.
“If they go low, we kick them, threaten to bomb the White House, and publish presidential assassination porn in the New York Times,” said Eric Holder. “Civility can wait until after The Purge.”
When the panicked mob of infantile zombies in swaddling towels storms out Kafka’s castle to put you on trial with the hysterical axiom that you’re guilty precisely because you deny your guilt, the moral thing to do is watch them drown while confirming Supreme Court justices.
“We can’t have non-state actors diminishing our public relations efforts,” said Gov. Brown. “How many times do we have to deport these animals, anyway?”
California needs an America where undocumented private allegations can form the basis of social-media justice campaigns against evil people who believe in the presumption of innocence, and if that fails we can just kill federal judges.
“Democrats really are willing to do anything to prove that Donald Trump is a pervert,” said the club’s manager. “It’s been really good for business.”
