This is literally the least we can do for you, and you need to be okay with that or we can just skip to #7. Happy Father’s Day.
“California will protect our humble public servants from radical authoritarians who forcibly suppress their opposition by controlling industry, commerce, and transportation,” said our virtuous Attorney General.
“The reason we wish death on the governor is that so many students don’t even have enough to eat,” said Engorged California spokesman Hugh Mungous.
The pardon for Roseanne was floated after ABC rehired her for calling Dinesh D’Souza a “monkey’s uncle” and then fired her again when she said Martha Stewart was a “feckless cunt” who should be in prison.
Because do you know of anyone alive today who’s capable of building – as Brooks calls it – “moral systems that create harmony within people, harmony between people and harmony between people and their ultimate purpose”?
ABC’s Channing Dungey, who fired Roseanne, said, “I used to buy Starbucks (Nasdaq: SBUX) once a day, but since the incident in Philadelphia I stop there twice a day. That’s how important racial equality is to me.”
“They’re not even counting the number of dead parents we encourage to come here,” said Sen. Ted Lieu (D-Malibu). “That’s not just a violation of human rights. It’s un-American and would shock Jesus.”
“We recognize the need for change and are committed to a stable transition. Now, if you will excuse me, I have an appointment at Bohemian Grove,” Caruso said after the excommunication.