“It all started to go bad when Barack assigned us to Operation Crossfire Hurricane,” said Butt-Head. “Running as Democrats will give us the deniability and protection we need as — huh, huh — public servants.”
Millennials on every continent expressed the same disbelief that the totality of their virtue could actually be harming the planet, but vegetarians were especially bewildered.
The Party almost nominated Biden after he recalled facing down razor-toting gang members. His gravitas has only grown since he threatened to kick Putin out of Ukraine armed only with a 6-foot length of chain.
Sports apparel powerhouse Nike has announced a new football cleat designed to help Colin Kaepernick get a job.
“Product tainted with flesh-eating bacteria can be returned to the point of sale or dropped off at the mayor’s office of any sanctuary city,” Newsom said.
The former Vice President, who is white and 77, called an 83-year-old retired white man a “damn liar,” challenged him to a fitness test, and suggested he would lose in a duel of Rorschach tests.
On dark desert Hwy 91 between Disneyland and San Bernardino, a crack team of journalists is on the trail of a government hotel large enough to house all of California’s 140,000 homeless.
Planned Parenthood is “upset that Christopher Columbus didn’t do it” but also “pleased that the myth of ritual child sacrifices can finally be blamed on climate change.”