“I canceled the plan in 2017 because a $43 billion cost increase was too expensive, but today I’m announcing no bullet train at all will cost $80.3 billion and will be ready in 13 years,” said the governor.
“A YouTube video from the known anonymous extremist who goes by ‘PolitiZoid’ is a clear and present danger to the impeachment community,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
Thunberg arrived in Davos, Switzerland, by sailboat after discovering a southern route to the landlocked country from Sweden.
The general poses a 0% threat to world peace, but hundreds were killed or injured in his hometown as his body was driven through the streets in a Chevy pickup built by the Great Satan himself.
Update: After Santa cancelled his trip to the U.S. Trump administration officials ruled the trip a yearly migration of animals protected under the Endangered Species Act.
“I bought $300 worth of food and got a 50-cent per gallon discount,” said Sacramento resident Jorma Kaukonen, an elderly single woman who usually spends $50 a week on groceries.
“For years we started our flights with the binary ‘ladies and gentlemen’ or ‘mesdames et messieurs,'” said spokesperson Naomi Deplume. “We now realize just how offensive that was.”