“I’m the government, and I’m here to help our 680,000 El Salvadoran immigrants who export up to $500 million a month to their home country,” Newsom said as pallets of cash were loaded into a Cal Guard C-130 at Travis Air Force Base.
Researchers responsible for the robot driving systems have hired lawyers and crisis-management consultants in anticipation of social justice protests.
“Due to your sudden refusal to provide a government airplane for the Democratic majority’s seven-day excursion … we will be running train instead,” wrote the Speaker.
Julian Assange, granted asylum by Ecuador in 2012, will travel by caravan to Los Angeles. Gov. Newsom has promised a “wall” to keep out the “enemy immigrant.”
“My climate conscience will no longer allow me the convenience of flying around the state,” said Kounalakis. “If people want to meet, they can come here, where we measure our carbon footprint with a yardstick.”
“The ‘bullet train’ stopped being an actual bullet train when we realized we’d have to share low-speed track with local commuter and freight services,” said a worker in Fresno who asked to remain anonymous. “That was in 2012.”
Saint Colin prays with Occupy and firebombs a series of naval bases before being ensconced in a palatial home and preparing himself with spiritual rigor for his pitch to the Goddess Nike.