“I bought $300 worth of food and got a 50-cent per gallon discount,” said Sacramento resident Jorma Kaukonen, an elderly single woman who usually spends $50 a week on groceries.
James admitted that the NBA’s reputation has suffered a minor setback, but that 3 million new public portraits of himself have “helped all of us get through a difficult week.”
“LeBron knows we must never be afraid to do the wrong thing or to say the wrong thing or to even think the wrong thing,” said regional Party chief Chen Quanguo. “Friendly sports competition is so important to understand each other.”
The NBA says it will force vendors to hawk menstrual products to fans of all genders as a way of saving face in the geopolitical firestorm it ignited by groveling for Communist Party dollars.
“The ******* sensors reached the lowest ******* temperatures ever ******* recorded when Toler was fired,” said Screwtape. “You probably call that a miracle.”
“We all knew Kim Jong Un had requested famous basketball players to normalize relations between the two countries,” Curry said. “But frankly, I thought it would be Dennis Rodman.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi excused Biden’s rant. “What else can we expect from the Vice President when Syracuse only made it to the round of 64 this year?”