Scientists are using deep-drilling techniques to understand just how much CO2 humans can pump into the Earth without causing a catastrophic rejection event.
“Our estimates are that Hollywood would only need 75 percent of the foreskins collected from the 600,000 legal abortions we induce every year,” said Planned Parenthood President Leana Wen. “There’s clearly no legitimate need to import Korean foreskins.”
The federal General Services Administration has hired a high-tech Swiss cuisine corporation to serve meals at the Congressional cafeteria, in the hopes that a neutral refreshment provider will keep Democrats and Republicans from killing each other.
“People say there’s a Muslim immigration ban, but this mission proves otherwise,” said Lightfoot. “If there are 72 million Muslim virgins on Mars, bringing them home would probably secure peace in the Middle East.”
“There is a clear, but unexpected, pattern whereby admissions counselors are literally guaranteed to ignore high school students who say they are active white supremacists,” said the author.
Some students say the college rape culture experience is the best four years of their lives and should be freely available to everyone.
“In hindsight, it was terrible public policy,” said one liberal bureaucrat. “But a police state might be the only way to save humanity from global warming and our own poor choices.”