“The algorithm said our approach had a 97% chance of eliminating inequality,” said Sergey Brin. “Maybe a society that believes some people are more fit than others is just doomed to fail.”
“When I visit San Francisco, the poop map really helps me navigate the urban wilderness without catching Hepatitis A,” Ranger Alvum Motus said. “The least we can do is return the favor.”
Scientists are using deep-drilling techniques to understand just how much CO2 humans can pump into the Earth without causing a catastrophic rejection event.
“Our estimates are that Hollywood would only need 75 percent of the foreskins collected from the 600,000 legal abortions we induce every year,” said Planned Parenthood President Leana Wen. “There’s clearly no legitimate need to import Korean foreskins.”
The federal General Services Administration has hired a high-tech Swiss cuisine corporation to serve meals at the Congressional cafeteria, in the hopes that a neutral refreshment provider will keep Democrats and Republicans from killing each other.
“People say there’s a Muslim immigration ban, but this mission proves otherwise,” said Lightfoot. “If there are 72 million Muslim virgins on Mars, bringing them home would probably secure peace in the Middle East.”
“There is a clear, but unexpected, pattern whereby admissions counselors are literally guaranteed to ignore high school students who say they are active white supremacists,” said the author.