“I’ve spent years ranting against the excesses of the wealthiest Americans, and now I’m a member of the 1%,” the presidential contender admitted. “So I had the seven-pointed star carved into my forehead to prove my devotion to Our Revolution.”
Tribal elder Phillips told CNN’s Don Lemon, “In many parts of the Muslim world, it is common for people of faith to encourage other people of faith by invading their places of worship. I’m certain that if we all do that more often we can speed up the process of American Islamization.”
Saint Colin prays with Occupy and firebombs a series of naval bases before being ensconced in a palatial home and preparing himself with spiritual rigor for his pitch to the Goddess Nike.
“I want to quote from a portion of Leviticus. ‘Treat the stranger among you, as if he were one of your own, for ye yourself were a stranger in the land of Egypt.’ Now get out there and boycott the shit out of In-N-Out Burger!”
Leaders of the affected European nations all said “no comment.”
Jack Dorsey was quick to tweet new pics of a halal chicken sandwich receipt, writing, “You’re right, everyone can now completely forget about their background.”
“They’re not even counting the number of dead parents we encourage to come here,” said Sen. Ted Lieu (D-Malibu). “That’s not just a violation of human rights. It’s un-American and would shock Jesus.”