“I’ve spent years ranting against the excesses of the wealthiest Americans, and now I’m a member of the 1%,” the presidential contender admitted. “So I had the seven-pointed star carved into my forehead to prove my devotion to Our Revolution.”
Sensing a shift in the zeitgeist, Newsweek updated its iconic 2009 magazine cover with a new hot take: “We Are Not All Racists Now.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi excused Biden’s rant. “What else can we expect from the Vice President when Syracuse only made it to the round of 64 this year?”
Justice Democrats strongly criticized Erdogan. “We have pretty much the same goals as Erdogan, but he made a mistake by showing the video. He needs to keep that authoritarian fascist stuff behind closed doors.”
Waleed Shahid of Justice Democrats says India needs to lighten up. “Cow genocide is third on our list. The first two goals are net-zero farting cows, and that cows be milked only with their express verbal consent.”
The het-up crowd lost a few degrees of distemper as Sharpton began to murmur like Barry White giving birth to Rudyard Kipling.
A riot in the “Little Mogadishu” neighborhood of Minneapolis left six people dead after Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) claimed her vagina had been “stolen by Republicans.”