An adoring crowd outside the Capitol praised Newsom’s plans by chanting “from the river to the sea, affordable housing will be free” and “end state executions now.”
“It would be cruel and unusual to force the homeless to endure the degrading decontamination procedure,” said a female staff member. “So we’re doing that for them. After all, what are public servants for?”
“Republicans are determined to paint Democrats as out-of control, out-of-their minds socialists,” the mayor said. “But who in their right mind says that Socialism can’t work in America?”
“If the U.S. had given us half of the $22 trillion spent since the ‘war on poverty’ began in the 1960s, the U.N. could have eliminated almost 20 million poor people,” said U.N. expert Philip Alston.
“Just imagine how many jobs we can create when homeless addicts from other states hear about our free housing offer,” said Mayor Mark Farrell.
The city plans to eradicate hepatitis by paying the homeless and former felons to staff a network of “safe and clean” public bathrooms.
“We have garbage police at every street fair to make sure the addicted homeless gay illegal fetish queens are properly recycling their waste,” Newsom said. “Part of my plan to save the planet is to bring that culture to the State Capitol.”