“I’m the government, and I’m here to help our 680,000 El Salvadoran immigrants who export up to $500 million a month to their home country,” Newsom said as pallets of cash were loaded into a Cal Guard C-130 at Travis Air Force Base.
“The state’s emergency plan requires employees to resist fascism,” said spokesman Hassan Chop. “The ‘RIOT’ button takes loyal employees to the garage level where we store signs, masks, and other materials useful for rooting out fascists.”
California has so many plans to spend more money that actual government spending is at risk unless the state gets more money to spend on the plans, said Finance Director Keely Bosler.
Anonymous sources say Newsom plans to convert the Capitol basement into an Eco Fitness gym that uses modified exercise bikes to push power back into the electrical grid. Political appointees in charge of social policy would be harnessed to the bikes until they utter the safe word “audacious.”
After the press conference, a mob of media overwhelmed security and forced their way into the sex lair.
Delaine Eastin has already contacted North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un about getting her own missile.