Instead of chicken wings or pizza, Al Gore said his favorite Superbowl food is the world’s biggest arachnid — the goliath bird-eating spider — breaded and deep fried.
Experts estimate that 3 to 12 million people starved in the 1932-33 famine alone, and capitalist media censored the impact of climate change in favor of a narrative that blamed Socialism.
According to dairy farmers across the state, once-cheerful bovines are organizing “moo helplessly at the sky” events and seeking group therapy.
“I bought $300 worth of food and got a 50-cent per gallon discount,” said Sacramento resident Jorma Kaukonen, an elderly single woman who usually spends $50 a week on groceries.
“When evil Christian restaurant owners force their workers to serve healthy food and be nice to people, we have to act,” said third-wave feminist Lovechild Vaginica.
“This is yet another example of Sacramento’s comprehensive, intentional actions that will increase diversity and equity in the city’s economy,” said Chan. “If people stop dining out we’ll just tax them at home, too.”
“If anyone should apologize, it’s Alt-Right white-supremacists of German descent who would dare to open a Mexican restaurant in Alta California,” said Harris, “not Lopez-Alt.”