Seriously, age 8 just isn’t that young anymore. People younger than that routinely handle critical government policies like stealing money from their mom’s wallet or hacking the school principal’s email account.
The federal General Services Administration has hired a high-tech Swiss cuisine corporation to serve meals at the Congressional cafeteria, in the hopes that a neutral refreshment provider will keep Democrats and Republicans from killing each other.
“I want to quote from a portion of Leviticus. ‘Treat the stranger among you, as if he were one of your own, for ye yourself were a stranger in the land of Egypt.’ Now get out there and boycott the shit out of In-N-Out Burger!”
Jack Dorsey was quick to tweet new pics of a halal chicken sandwich receipt, writing, “You’re right, everyone can now completely forget about their background.”
“The reason we wish death on the governor is that so many students don’t even have enough to eat,” said Engorged California spokesman Hugh Mungous.
Abe Normal, who works at the McMillen Art Gallery less than a mile from the Oregon border, seemed unfazed when our reporter said the offer was “free ice cream for a year.”
Although the staff will be completely nude under their aprons, officials say the health risk is less than eating at Chipotle.