“We need to upgrade every building in the country anyway,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “Why not kill two rats with one stone by starting that project in Los Angeles?”
“We only noticed these trash mountains when a government official got sick,” said Mayor Garcetti. “Experts say they may have always been there but no one of consequence noticed them before.”
The repatriation contract offered to Smokey and Woodsy stipulates they must freely and publicly admit — in perpetuity, with no royalties — that “Only Massive Government Spending Can Stop Climate-Caused Wildfires.”
“My climate conscience will no longer allow me the convenience of flying around the state,” said Kounalakis. “If people want to meet, they can come here, where we measure our carbon footprint with a yardstick.”
“We can’t have non-state actors diminishing our public relations efforts,” said Gov. Brown. “How many times do we have to deport these animals, anyway?”
“In hindsight, it was terrible public policy,” said one liberal bureaucrat. “But a police state might be the only way to save humanity from global warming and our own poor choices.”
“I don’t give a shit if they’re on the Endangered Species list or not,” said Gov. Brown. “They’re outta here.”
