God reveals updates to 2020 edition of Ten Commandments
If you are threatening to murder someone, the new Commandment requires police to deescalate the situation with a stern warning.
Starbucks: Correct change is racist because it ‘operates as whiteness’
“I’ve learned that correct change cannot be known objectively,” said one customer. “Next time I buy a $3 coffee with a $20 bill and only get $1 back, I’ll be eliminating a little bit of racism from the world.”
Warren demands punitive licensing fees for international terrorists
A draft proposal says “only the federal government can enforce the licensing requirements of individuals who routinely work from home with substances that are strictly controlled by the same government.”
Al-Aqsa University awards John Cusack with honorary degree for anti-Semitic rant
“Dr. Cusack proved himself to be a true ally of Palestine,” said University President Dr. Amiri Baraka. “Today we honor him with a Doctorate in Applied Sciences of Surface to Surface Missile Technology.”
Denver City Council: Free education camps for workers will end ‘late-phase capitalism’
Carlos and the other 149 campers start chanting the motto of Camp Agape: “Redistribution sets you free.” Fifteen minutes later, I’m convinced the phrase can never be fully eradicated from my mind and I’m strangely okay with that.
#TimesUp: All MLK buildings and streets to be renamed for Obama
“It’s like cowbell. You can never have too much Barack Obama,” said Principal Carol Lewis of Barack Obama Middle School.
Teacher disciplined for obsolete grammar in comment on student’s homework assignment
“We held our colleague to high professional standards and we believe she has appropriately fled the country,” said the school principal.
