“I’m in the best shape of my life even without a functioning national healthcare system,” said one woman. “I’m happy we’re not participating in the orgy of fossil-energy consumption.”
“We don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it appears that men prefer to buy things they identify with manliness,” scientists say.
Language in the electrical code is largely perceived as violence or hate speech. Democrat legislation would mandate new wiring standards that use inclusive pastels instead of harsh racist colors.
Sports apparel powerhouse Nike has announced a new football cleat designed to help Colin Kaepernick get a job.
“I’ve learned that correct change cannot be known objectively,” said one customer. “Next time I buy a $3 coffee with a $20 bill and only get $1 back, I’ll be eliminating a little bit of racism from the world.”
Shadowy figures in the South African government’s mohair subsidy market have accused Donaldson of using ties to powerful American media men to influence the worldwide production of toupees.
“We are providing both confidence and stability by paying 150,000 bolivars per hour instead of 40,000,” said lawmaker Francisco Torrealba.