Three hours ago, consensus was that we had 12 years to save the planet by not killing ourselves, but the new deadline is 5 years.
“We’re telling people not to kill themselves because Climate Change will get them in 12 years if we don’t get their vote in 2020,” said DNC Chairman Tom Perez, who insists the plan isn’t a cynical ploy to weaponize the fear of death.
An eruption lasting more than 30 years could wipe out Iceland and the Arctic Circle if you don’t vote Democrat, scientists say.
“My official title is Climate Nazi, but it isn’t a climate thing at all,” said Chakrabarti. “It’s a final solution for our how-do-you-change-the-entire-means-of-production-thing.”
“I was here at the end of the last ice age,” said the former cave-dweller. “It’s truly alarming that this mountain lake isn’t bigger by now.”
If the ultimatum is ignored, Charles will abdicate and move to the Falkland Islands, taking the National Hedgelaying Championships with him.
“Climate change is such a serious problem that anyone who opposes mass suicide to save the planet could be charged with human rights violations,” said ICC spokesperson Ekstere Vimem.