“Imagine your kid wants to play in the snow but his wind-resistant fleece facemask needs to be ironed,” a Big Laundry lobbyist told us. “A blast of 400-degree steam to his face could kill him if our label didn’t warn you about that.”
“Joe has been marked safe,” said campaign chairman Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “And I’m used to this kind of weirdness after chairing Beto’s failed campaign, so there’s no need to be alarmed.”
“We don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it appears that men prefer to buy things they identify with manliness,” scientists say.
According to dairy farmers across the state, once-cheerful bovines are organizing “moo helplessly at the sky” events and seeking group therapy.
Millennials on every continent expressed the same disbelief that the totality of their virtue could actually be harming the planet, but vegetarians were especially bewildered.
“I’ve learned that correct change cannot be known objectively,” said one customer. “Next time I buy a $3 coffee with a $20 bill and only get $1 back, I’ll be eliminating a little bit of racism from the world.”
“Frankly, it’s just easier this way,” Joe Biden said after news broke that Hunter was paid to serve on the Amtrak Board of Directors because he spent a lot of time on trains.