“We don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it appears that men prefer to buy things they identify with manliness,” scientists say.
According to dairy farmers across the state, once-cheerful bovines are organizing “moo helplessly at the sky” events and seeking group therapy.
Millennials on every continent expressed the same disbelief that the totality of their virtue could actually be harming the planet, but vegetarians were especially bewildered.
“I’ve learned that correct change cannot be known objectively,” said one customer. “Next time I buy a $3 coffee with a $20 bill and only get $1 back, I’ll be eliminating a little bit of racism from the world.”
“Frankly, it’s just easier this way,” Joe Biden said after news broke that Hunter was paid to serve on the Amtrak Board of Directors because he spent a lot of time on trains.
CalPERS officially aligns itself with U.S. policy, but draws a bright red trail of dollars to Chinese intercontinental ballistic missiles, Muslim concentration camps, the NBA, and Hunter Biden.
“Science be damned. If you want the masses to care about climate change, you need people like me to get arrested at least once a week,” said Fonda.