“Imagine your kid wants to play in the snow but his wind-resistant fleece facemask needs to be ironed,” a Big Laundry lobbyist told us. “A blast of 400-degree steam to his face could kill him if our label didn’t warn you about that.”
In a pivotal press conference today, President Trump blamed the COVID-19 virus on a viral Internet video that originated in the U.S., and the media immediately stopped blaming him for botching the COVID-19 response.
“Young, healthy people can expect to recover fully and quickly if they should get the virus,” Trump said. “That’s why three amphibious landings of American teenagers will break through to the beleaguered Italians.”
The Communist double agent, working to undermine America from within while achieving vast fame and fortune as a Hollywood actress, has endorsed Sen. Bernie Sanders (C-Vermont) for president.
“This land is your land, this land is my land, and legal precedent says I may not have the human right to live on the sidewalk and shout violent obscenities as a Senator, but I do as a homeless person,” Schumer said.
Schumer [stabbing Gorsuch in the neck]. “Hark, my blade is taken out of context, for this perceived threat was but a warning to Republican senators!”
“It’s probably a good thing Biden thinks he’s running for the Senate and doesn’t know if he’s in Iowa or Ohio,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez. “He’ll want his old senate seat back after the inauguration, anyway. Trust me.”