Harvard professor calls for halt to ‘CO2 Sequestration Challenge’ until 2024
Three hours ago, consensus was that we had 12 years to save the planet by not killing ourselves, but the new deadline is 5 years.
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Democrats: Global suicide epidemic to end in 5 years
“We’re telling people not to kill themselves because Climate Change will get them in 12 years if we don’t get their vote in 2020,” said DNC Chairman Tom Perez, who insists the plan isn’t a cynical ploy to weaponize the fear of death.
Columnist Bret Stephens wins inaugural Sarah Jeong NYT White Male Castration Lottery
The procedure was carried out quickly by Jeong herself with a pair of high-quality castration pliers under the supervision of her colleagues on the Editorial Board.
El Chapo defends The Squad: ‘There’s no justice in America’
“The Squad is right. There is no justice in America,” Guzman said. “I’ve been forced to drink unsanitary water and tortured 24 hours a day. It’s like I’ve been in a Nazi concentration camp.”
Biden promises to end ‘forever wars’ as first U.S. Supreme Leader
“The world looks to America for the values that unite us,” said Biden. “If we assert commonsense leadership, we can bring back the 12th Imam and ensure peace in our time.”
Climate activists reveal new ‘Plastic Bag Over the Head CO2 Sequestration Challenge’
“Climate change is such a serious problem that anyone who opposes mass suicide to save the planet could be charged with human rights violations,” said ICC spokesperson Ekstere Vimem.
Hysterical laughter kills voters, FDA approves human drug trials
“The deaths began when President Obama said you can keep your doctor, and have been escalating ever since,” said a spokesman from Kaléo Pharmaceuticals, which is managing the trials.
