Three hours ago, consensus was that we had 12 years to save the planet by not killing ourselves, but the new deadline is 5 years.
“We’re telling people not to kill themselves because Climate Change will get them in 12 years if we don’t get their vote in 2020,” said DNC Chairman Tom Perez, who insists the plan isn’t a cynical ploy to weaponize the fear of death.
The procedure was carried out quickly by Jeong herself with a pair of high-quality castration pliers under the supervision of her colleagues on the Editorial Board.
“The Squad is right. There is no justice in America,” Guzman said. “I’ve been forced to drink unsanitary water and tortured 24 hours a day. It’s like I’ve been in a Nazi concentration camp.”
“The world looks to America for the values that unite us,” said Biden. “If we assert commonsense leadership, we can bring back the 12th Imam and ensure peace in our time.”
“Climate change is such a serious problem that anyone who opposes mass suicide to save the planet could be charged with human rights violations,” said ICC spokesperson Ekstere Vimem.
“The deaths began when President Obama said you can keep your doctor, and have been escalating ever since,” said a spokesman from Kaléo Pharmaceuticals, which is managing the trials.