American media oligarchs are preparing cities and towns across the country for the Democratic Primaries by outfitting TV trucks with massive bleach sprayers to eliminate any source of illicit information.
Enemies of democracy want to kill a program that helps the government understand the behavior of millions of needy Americans by giving them phones preinstalled with “malware.”
Did the CEO of prominent satire site “The Babylon Bee” really appear on FOX News?
“It’s like cowbell. You can never have too much Barack Obama,” said Principal Carol Lewis of Barack Obama Middle School.
“If they go low, we kick them, threaten to bomb the White House, and publish presidential assassination porn in the New York Times,” said Eric Holder. “Civility can wait until after The Purge.”
When the panicked mob of infantile zombies in swaddling towels storms out Kafka’s castle to put you on trial with the hysterical axiom that you’re guilty precisely because you deny your guilt, the moral thing to do is watch them drown while confirming Supreme Court justices.
Jack Dorsey was quick to tweet new pics of a halal chicken sandwich receipt, writing, “You’re right, everyone can now completely forget about their background.”