“I don’t care if San Francisco has fatbergs the size of jumbo jets lurking under our city streets,” said Mayor London Breed. “Women are protected from being dragged through the gutter by the patriarchy.”
“If anyone should apologize, it’s Alt-Right white-supremacists of German descent who would dare to open a Mexican restaurant in Alta California,” said Harris, “not Lopez-Alt.”
“Imagine never having to worry about a dictator,” said Newsom. “EVOTE will enable smart, forward-thinking Democratic leaders to bear the burden of voting on behalf of all the people.”
California’s favorite cis-gendered son was banned from “the playground” at San Francisco’s famous fetish festival this weekend, but his steely-dan gaze and fabulous hair made a magnificent impression on voters at the suspension booth.
Saint Colin prays with Occupy and firebombs a series of naval bases before being ensconced in a palatial home and preparing himself with spiritual rigor for his pitch to the Goddess Nike.
Democrats leading the #Resistance sound like Osama bin Laden being interviewed by ABC News: “We believe that the worst thieves in the world today and the worst terrorists are the Americans.”
Anonymous sources say Newsom plans to convert the Capitol basement into an Eco Fitness gym that uses modified exercise bikes to push power back into the electrical grid. Political appointees in charge of social policy would be harnessed to the bikes until they utter the safe word “audacious.”