Hi, I’m Gavin Newsom, and I’d like to give you some tips on wiping your ass because a significant percentage of California residents weren’t taught this skill as children. For that, I blame all of us. We can do better.
“We’ll buy the Bee for a dollar if my uncle doesn’t sabotage the deal,” said Newsom. “But Steinberg will have to keep the debt because that’s all government is good at anyway.”
“Gender is a social construct, but you’re trapped in the wrong gender,” said the nurse. I felt her empathy from behind three inches of polycarbonate. “And you requested a penis but all we have in stock are vaginas.”
“Unlike privileged white porn workers, brown undocumented porn workers already know how to safely operate industrial sex machines,” said Cristina Garcia (D-Bell Gardens).
Under a program whimsically nicknamed “The Goolag Archipelago,” anyone who repeatedly fails to pick up their own poop from the sidewalk, or misgenders an officer of the Homeless Inquisition, could spend six months in a mental health camp.
“With GPS, we can track a $20 bill from the Assembly Committee on Budget to the pocket of a homeless drug addict defecating in a potted plant,” said Assemblyman David Chiu of San Francisco.
“I canceled the plan in 2017 because a $43 billion cost increase was too expensive, but today I’m announcing no bullet train at all will cost $80.3 billion and will be ready in 13 years,” said the governor.