“If these things can sanitize a commercial bounce house after a birthday party of fifty toddlers in diapers, they can clean the news for the millions of Americans who use Facebook,” Mark Zuckerberg said.
Air Traffic Controllers heard sounds of a struggle and expletives in Esperanto from the cockpit before the plane landed on the empty runway.
“I’m embarrassed to say it, but I didn’t even know I was at the Adult Video News Awards until the day after,” said the actor who insisted on anonymity.
Fireman Joe Stackhouse spent years gathering body measurements of female firefighters. “I just hope these warehouse fires don’t put a damper on my efforts.”
Winfrey did not say she was running for president, but celebrities went wild when she said giving free stuff to the peasants didn’t start with Barack Obama.
“Calm the fuck down. This is the final launch of 2017, so we won’t be raping you from space until 2018,” said Vandenberg commander Col. Thomas Baiser. “Merry Christmas.”
When asked if Weed had submitted a plan, Mayor Palfini said, “Plan? We don’t need no stinkin’ plan. The name of our town is Weed.”