The mayor’s office released a statement saying it would be wise for us all to join with him, for only as a mighty army that is stronger together can we defeat this great evil.
“Imagine your kid wants to play in the snow but his wind-resistant fleece facemask needs to be ironed,” a Big Laundry lobbyist told us. “A blast of 400-degree steam to his face could kill him if our label didn’t warn you about that.”
Scientists unfazed after 73 computer models failed to accurately predict Climate Change and the worldwide phenomena of “Hot Women Posing With Guns.”
Good news: Griffin might die soon. Bad news: She’s only 59, and could subject us to 16 more years of her unbearable personality before offing herself so no one remembers her as feeble, ineffectual, and pathetic, instead of gross, hateful, and pathetic.
“We also want you to know that last week we said guns were evil, but today we’ve declared that guns are essential until we decide that guns are evil again, which should happen after we get back to ignoring typhus,” Garcetti said.
A peer-reviewed study conducted by Vanna White has found that Democrat presidential candidate Joe Biden didn’t know anything, and doesn’t know when he didn’t know it.
“Joe has been marked safe,” said campaign chairman Jennifer O’Malley Dillon. “And I’m used to this kind of weirdness after chairing Beto’s failed campaign, so there’s no need to be alarmed.”