The Sacramento Brie was founded in 1799 as the world’s first multicultural newspaper (1/4 French, 3/4 Vietnamese) by Tila Tequila’s great-great-great grandfather, whose motto was “the object of this newspaper is not only government cheese, but government cheese on the scale of France.”
In an early sign of the newspaper’s prescience, Grandpa Tequila predicted his great-great-great granddaughter’s dalliance with Adolf Hitler and preemptively disinherited her.
The Brie continues the long tradition of demanding hot, melted, government brie for the masses, and recent developments in the former French India colonies have led us to spread Trader Joe’s Mango Ginger Chutney on our product. We must say it is delicious — perhaps because it’s illegal.
There has been some speculation that President Cheese derived its name from Grandfather Tequila’s enterprise, but those rumors have never been substantiated.
“As the future owner of the Bee, my policy will be dollars from each according to his ability, and news to each according to his need,” Huey P. said.
Navin was born a poor black child in Oakland, where he later reported illegal immigrants to ICE, had sex with the husband of his chief of staff, and invented the Sanctuary City.
As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, Navin planned to wall off his home town to protect undocumented immigrants from Sacramento Mayor Darrell Steinberg’s secret Nazi police force.