Cuomo Refuses To Vacate NY Executive Mansion

In a tightly worded statement today, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo (CCP-NY), defied calls for him to vacate the executive mansion.

“I absolutely cannot vacate the executive mansion. Due to homicidal COVID-19 public safety policies enacted by states such as Florida, New Yorkers are abandoning this state in record numbers. Moving companies simply don’t have vehicles and crews available at this time.”

After several Empire State van lines and moving companies offered their services for free, the governor snapped.

“Who are you going to believe, seven women, or me? Like my baby bro said, I’m single and ready to mingle. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, right? Look, I’m a frisky, fun-loving sexual dynamo. I ooze masculinity and musky pheromones, and women are always throwing themselves at me. If I misread a couple of them, well, no harm done, right?”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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