Biden Promises More Stimulus To Come

Buoyed by Senate passage of the nearly $2T stimulus bill, President Biden made a rare live impromptu statement earlier this morning.

“Passage of this bill shows what the government can do when we really put our minds to it,” declared the president. “We truly are here to help our allies. And if you like that stimulus bill, you’re going to LOVE the next one.”

Biden’s handlers ushered him away from the microphone before he could elaborate, but White House spokesperson Psaki circled back to his statement later.

“We are in preliminary talks with House and Senate leaders to introduce the “Who Doesn’t Want To Be A Millionaire Bill” later this summer. It’s our desire to issue stimulus checks for one million dollars to every American. This is the richest country in the world, and it’s time we started acting like it.”

When pressed for details, Psaki was hopeful. “Our estimates indicate it will only cost eleventy-three trillion dollars to make the Millionaire Bill a reality. The Bureau of Engraving and Printing has assured us they have plenty of paper, ink, and other materials to print the checks, and President Biden has already begun to sign blank checks in anticipation of the bill’s passage.”

Speaker of the House Pelosi was confident that funding for the bill could be found by savings within the current budget.

“We’ll save trillions simply by outsourcing national defense to our Chinese friends,” said Pelosi. “Representative Swalwell has been a leader in Sino-American relations, and his handlers assure us that our interests will be protected at bottom-basement prices.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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