On Friday, Speaker of the House Pelosi attempted to deflect criticism of her decision to give the House of Representatives Thursday off.
“We had credible information of the threat posed by twice-impeached unindicted felon Trump and his mob of blood-thirsty followers known as QAnon,” she told reporters gathered in the Rotunda. “A sizeable cache of intelligence was obtained that showed an attack on the Capitol and our democracy was planned.”
When pressed for details, the Botox-addled octogenarian explained. “The body of a QAnon operative named Major Mincemeat was discovered floating in the Reflecting Pool. Handcuffed to his wrist was a fanny pack, and after I uttered the magic phrase, “Open, Biden!”, the lock sprang open. It was full of documents detailing attack plans for the 4th.”
“Six armored brigades were to attack from a hidden base under the Potomac River while another 300,000 airborne shock troops dropped from jet airliners diverted from their chem trail missions. A simultaneous psionic attack from a secret QAnon base under Fort Marcy Park was to render House members incoherent.”
“It was only through the brave efforts of our heroes like Representatives Swalwell, Nadler, and Ocasio-Cortez, that the attack was thwarted and our democracy preserved, although it seems the psionic attack was successful.”