Hunter Biden, serial philanderer and crack cocaine aficionado, allegedly dropped America’s nuclear football and rendered it inoperative. Sac Brie reporters caught up with the First Son in an open-air drug market in Washington, D.C., and he had the following to say about the incident.
“I took it to my favorite computer repair store in Delaware, and when I got it back, the message ‘Do you want to play a game?’ was flashing. Of course I said yes. I was expecting Minehunter or Solitaire, not thermonuclear war.”
“I ordered limited airstrikes against a weak Third World power and leveled up to Minor Warlord, but I had to stop when Dr. Jill called me down from my bedroom for my daily anal swab. Tonight, I’m going to order a surge of 100,000 troops to Afghanistan.”