President’s Son Fumbles Nuclear Football, Strikes Syria

Hunter Biden, serial philanderer and crack cocaine aficionado, allegedly dropped America’s nuclear football and rendered it inoperative. Sac Brie reporters caught up with the First Son in an open-air drug market in Washington, D.C., and he had the following to say about the incident.

“I took it to my favorite computer repair store in Delaware, and when I got it back, the message ‘Do you want to play a game?’ was flashing. Of course I said yes. I was expecting Minehunter or Solitaire, not thermonuclear war.”

“I ordered limited airstrikes against a weak Third World power and leveled up to Minor Warlord, but I had to stop when Dr. Jill called me down from my bedroom for my daily anal swab. Tonight, I’m going to order a surge of 100,000 troops to Afghanistan.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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