Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett Unmasked

Late last night, a gang of meddling kids and their Great Dane cornered the newest Supreme Court Justice in Old Man Barker’s haunted amusement park. When they removed her mask, they discovered she was actually Merrick Garland.

“We thought something was strange about her voting record since she was confirmed,” said the bookish female member of the gang. “It seemed hinky, and when we began to investigate, we found man-sized footprints in the mud outside her chambers. We put two and two together and discovered that she was a sniveling socialist in disguise. Fooled everybody.”

“Rut roh,” added the canine member of the team.

Before reporters could pose additional questions, the gang jumped into their speedy van.

“Gotta go! We just got a tip on another fake conservative justice. He’s lighting farts at a high school beer party in Old Man Johnson’s haunted theater!”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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