Trump To Haley: I’m Just Not That Into You

Nikki Haley, former South Carolina governor and American UN Ambassador, was reportedly crushed earlier this week when she begged for a face-to-face meeting with former President Trump, only to be bluntly rejected.

Haley, a former darling of the Republican Party and reputed frontrunner for the 2024 Republican presidential ticket, destroyed her political aspirations when she criticized the former president over his alleged role inciting the Battle of Capitol Hill. Haley declared Trump had “lost any sort of political viability”, which turned out to be eerily prescient about her own future.

“I’m embarrassed for her,” said one Republican operative with inside knowledge of the situation. “Her political future crashed and burned faster than the Hindenburg.”

Politicians of all ideological persuasions with experience being bitch-slapped by Trump offered support to Haley. Senator Mitch McConnell (GOPe-KY) sent a case of buttocks burn cream, while Hillary Clinton bought the former governor a gift subscription to the Box Wine of the Month Club.

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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