Serial Threatener Baldwin Decries Cuomo Threats

B-list actor Alec Baldwin, world-famous for his threatening behavior, weighed in on the controversy surrounding threats made by New York governor Andrew Cuomo. The governor allegedly threatened a NY state assemblyman over remarks made about the governor’s fatally flawed handling of the Covid pandemic, for which Cuomo received both the Edward M. Kennedy Institute Award for Inspired Leadership and the International Emmy Awards Founder’s Award.

“I will destroy you,” Cuomo allegedly told State Assemblyman Ron Kim after the legislator made remarks critical of the governor’s handling of Covid statistics.

“‘I will destroy you?’ What kind of pussy threat is that?” demanded Baldwin. “I threatened to kneel on Trump’s neck until he died. I called for him to be hung, too. Those are threats. I know what threats are, and that’s no threat. Cuomo is a wimp. Man up, bitch.”

When pressed for details, Baldwin responded. “Hell, I called my eleven-year-old daughter a thoughtless little pig, and I had to take anger management classes after I slugged some asshole for taking my parking spot. I’ll fight that puss boy governor anytime, anywhere.”

At that point, Baldwin’s handlers ushered the aging actor away from microphones, citing health reasons.

“Apologies to everyone, but Mr. Baldwin was given the wrong flavor of box wine with his breakfast this morning, and it appears he is having an adverse reaction.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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