AOC Reflects On Experiences During Battle Of Capitol Hill, Reveals Planned Legislation

In a hard-hitting interview, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (CCP-NY) delved into her harrowing experiences during January’s Battle of Capitol Hill. Speaking from her office bathroom, where she has remained in hiding since January 6th, she gave searing testimony of her trauma.

“I thought for sure that Senator Cruz was stalking the halls of my office building, hunting me down,” she sobbed. “He was going to point his index finger at me and kill me.”

When asked how her experiences would shape her political career moving forward, she was defiant.

“I’ve had it worse than Anne Frank ever did, but I won’t stay in here forever. When I come out, I plan to introduce legislation to convert the FEMA death camps into reeducation centers for Ted Cruz and all his Nazi followers.”

When pressed for details about her rejected self-nomination for the Medal of Honor for her actions during the battle, the representative became dismissive.

“I’ve played a lot of Call of Duty since I’ve been in here, and I can say with one hundred percent certainty that my actions during the battle were way above and beyond the call of duty. because of the battle, I developed a scorching case of PTSD, and I believe I’m eligible for compensation under both asbestos and hearing protection class action lawsuits filed on behalf of my combat veteran sisters and brothers.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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