Sac Brie Quick Take: Capitol Hill Riot A Case Of Mistaken Identity

On January 6th, 2021, hundreds of people swarmed the U.S. Capitol Building, located at 1 First Street SE. Authorities originally classified the mob as an insurrectionist riot, but investigators now believe the mob was actually an unruly group of bargain hunters searching for a good real estate deal.

“I heard the House was for sale, cheap, so I wanted to get in on the bidding,” said Gail Worning of Saginaw, Michigan. “Mostly I wanted to beat out the Chinese and Iranian bidders, but I guess I was too late.”

Other members of the mob weren’t so economy-minded. “I was there for the free food,” admitted Chunk Fatback from Boston, Massachusetts. “These real estate open houses always have primo finger food, and when I heard it was an open house at THE House, there was no way I was gonna miss that. When I got there and they had the doors locked, I said the hell with that and went on in.”

In a twist of irony, HGTV and Food Network simultaneously hosted an open house at 1 First Street SW, which many believe was the cause for confusion. Reportedly, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (CCP-NY), was scheduled to co-host the event. When she heard about the situation at the Capitol Building, she rushed to her office near the Capitol, locked herself in her private restroom, and screamed until she developed severe PTSD.

Sac Brie investigators asked celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey for his take on the situation, to which he replied, “%@*# you, you @(!*$&%# wankers!”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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