Hogg Challenges Lindell To Pillow Fight

On Thursday, ultra-fabulous activist and school shooting survivor David Hogg challenged Mike Lindell, founder of MyPillow, to a pillow fight.

“I’m launching my own pillow company, and I plan to knock Mike Lindell out of the business,” declared the 20-year-old social media phenom via Twitter. “It’s time someone took a stand against the Nazis who infest restful sleep around the globe. This pillow fight just got real.”

While some commentators described picking a Twitter beef with someone whose account has been permanently suspended to be a craven act, Hogg denied the charge.

When pressed for details about his pillows, Hogg listed several characteristics. “First, they are super cool to the touch, because when I start shaving I don’t want to irritate my cheeks. Second, they are extra absorbent, because I don’t like my pillow to get soggy when I cry. Third, they are bite-proof, because there’s nothing worse than a big mouthful of feathers when I’m having sex.”

Lindell was unable to comment on the challenge because he couldn’t stop laughing.

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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