The news was not widely reported at the time, but investigative reporters for the SacBrie have uncovered the transcript of Kerry’s acceptance speech.
“Flying by private jet is the only choice for somebody like me who is traveling the world to establish the Green Industrial Complex,” Kerry said, proudly holding an iceberg sculpture that symbolizes his commitment to glaciers.
“Greta Thunberg is a little young thing who can afford to spend 330 hours sailing across the Atlantic Ocean to attend the U.N. Climate Summit,” Kerry said after accepting the How Dare You Award. “I don’t. So I proudly dare to accept this award for all the old white men whose private jets have to pump 100 tons of CO2 into the atmosphere every year to reduce the carbon emissions of people who will never have private jets of their own.”
When asked by reporters if his private jet was “environmental,” Kerry – a combat vet from Vietnam – went on the offensive.
“This is the biggest crisis humanity has ever faced,” Kerry said. “We are threatening the livelihood of billions of people on the earth. So how dare you suggest that I stop fighting World War Zero by flying commercial like all you commoners?”
“We don’t have time to wait for everyone to get on board, and you don’t have the right to create your own facts,” Kerry insisted. “Right now you still get to have your own opinions, but if we don’t act now, the world will need a Reality Czar to stop the criminal climate deniers.”
“Look in the mirror, people. I negotiated the Paris Accords for the United States. I negotiated with President Xi to bring President Xi to the table so we could get Paris. And if Xi doesn’t reduce China’s coal-fired power capacity by 2021, I promise I’ll never fly by private jet again.”
Kerry ended his speech by saying his climate work is full time job, and he couldn’t possibly accept the title of Reality Czar.
“I’m working almost full time to win the battle on climate change, and if I offset and contribute my life to do this, I just don’t have time to define reality for everyone else,” Kerry concluded.