Sac Brie Quick Take: White House Press Secretary Rescued After Harrowing Traffic Incident

Washington D.C. authorities report that Jen Psaki, the White House Press Secretary, has been located and is safely resting at home.

Psaki, 42, apparently became disoriented on Sunday as she navigated Dupont Circle, a famous traffic roundabout in Northwest Washington D.C., and was unable to exit the traffic pattern.

After twenty-two hours and approximately 3,300 laps around Dupont Circle, Psaki’s electric car battery finally died, enabling rescue crews to approach the vehicle.

“I don’t have any answers for you. I kept circling back and circling back, and I couldn’t get free,” she told rescue workers. “My all-electric government car was fully charged, and it wouldn’t stop.”

“We’re all glad to have Jen back safe and sound,” President Biden told reporters in a rare unscripted appearance. “C’mon, man. It’s nothing to be concerned about, you fat dog-faced pony soldiers. It was a brain fart. We all have them. Why, just last night I pooped my pants and dry humped a vase in the West Wing. Jill brought cookies. Salute the Marines.”

White House officials have since declared a lid on the president’s press availability for the remainder of February.

In a related story, legendary NASCAR figure Jimmy Joe Willie McFestus (no relation to the author) announced plans to launch a new race team around Psaki.

“Hoo, dawgie! Any woman who can turn left for twenty-two hours deserves a shot in the big leagues of stock car racing,” McFestus told reporters at his North Carolina headquarters. “The Tampax Victoria’s Secret Valvoline Botox Kotex Anal-Ese Texaco car needs a driver, and Psaki needs a car.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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