Sac Brie Quick Take: Kerry, Blumenthal Comment On New Wall Around Capitol

Special Presidential Envoy for Climate and failed presidential candidate John Kerry, along with his close friend and fellow traveler Sen. Richard “Danang Dick” Blumenthal, recently bemoaned construction of the new 65-foot wall around the Capitol.

“It’s a dark day in America,” the ultra-wealthy patrician said with a long face. “When I threw my military medals over the fence in April of 1971, it was only six feet high and I barely made it. Now, at sixty-five feet, my incredible feat of heroism is virtually impossible to duplicate.”

Senator Blumenthal was equally candid. “This past January marked the 53rd anniversary of the Tet Offensive. I planned to commemorate the critical turning point in the war by throwing back the medals I might have earned had I served in Vietnam, but I was deterred by the imposing height of the new wall. To me, it made the meaningless gesture seem like wasted effort, just like the entire war that I didn’t serve in with distinction.”

When members of Congress heard these remarks, plans were submitted for a special medal-tossing platform to be erected next to the new wall.

“Over three thousand medal citations for bravery under fire have been submitted for Democrat members of Congress from the Battle of Capitol Hill on January 6th,” a confidential source told Sac Brie investigators. “One hundred and seven of them are for the Medal of Honor. The medal-tossing platform is critical for medal recipients to publicly acknowledge their valor.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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