Sac Brie Quick Take: Bagel Stop Reporting #FakeNews

On Sunday, the presidential motorcade stopped for approximately ten minutes while First Son Hunter Biden picked up a take out order of bagels from a popular Georgetown deli.

“Some media sources reported that Hunter Biden made the presidential motorcade wait while he purchased narcotics from a street dealer,” read a statement from the White House. “We categorically deny this report. First Son Hunter purchased eight bagels, not eight balls. Since the inauguration of his father, First Son Hunter Biden’s crack cocaine has been delivered to the White House by the president’s old friend from Delaware, Corn Pop.”

In a related story, an anonymous source told Sac Brie investigative journalists that the First Son is under consideration for the post of Administrator for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration.

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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