Presidential Protection Detail Changes Confirmed

Confidential sources in the Biden administration have confirmed that the Secret Service detail assigned to Biden during his tenure as vice president has been reunited for his upcoming presidential term.

“Some people claimed that Biden demanded ‘his guys’ because of doubts about the loyalty of other agents,” one source stated. “That’s nonsense.”

“It’s all about the pool,” another source said. “Joe Biden frequently swam naked in the pool at the vice president’s residence, and every member of the protection detail became intimately familiar with the sight of his penis.”

During his forty years in politics, Biden has become infamous for his pool-related antics. He admitted to allowing children to stroke the hairs on his legs, and he has publicly reminisced about a bicycle chain fight with “Cornpop”, an imaginary character from his past.

“He’s definitely right-handed,” disclosed a female source via anonymous email. “Right-handed, and modest. I don’t know how he ever got the nickname ‘The Big Guy.’ It’s one of those things that don’t get better with age, that’s for sure.”

Unconfirmed reports from his Delaware neighborhood indicate that the neighbors knew to retreat inside their homes and close their blinds when blues hit “Wang Dang Doodle” blasted from outdoor speakers located on the Biden compound.

“He might have been the vice president, but I didn’t want to see his wiener,” long-time neighbor Peeka Boo told Brie investigators. “I saw Anthony Wiener’s wiener, and that was enough.”

Sacramento Brie investigators have since learned that the White House staff has been instructed to obtain the rights to “Ride, Daddy, Ride” by Fats Noel, along with a waterproof sound system for the executive pool area.

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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