Census Bureau Announces $45M Dominion Census Systems Contract

After forty years of successfully meeting a congressionally mandated December 31st deadline for census numbers used to determine congressional seat apportionment, internal documents obtained by a House committee earlier this month indicate the Census Bureau will not meet the 2021 deadline until a few days after Inauguration Day.

When their pending failure was exposed, the Census Bureau immediately signed a $45M contract with Dominion Census Systems to speed up tabulating efforts.

“This contract demonstrates our determination to meet this important deadline,” Census Bureau spokesperson Jethro Ducksmith told reporters. “Dominion Census Systems began to count before the ink was dry on the contract, and early indications are that California and New York have gained fifteen House seats apiece, while Texas, Florida, and Mississippi have lost eighteen, nine, and three seats, respectively. This tabulation is exactly what we paid for.”

Long-time Austin resident Landry Houston isn’t so sure. “I’ve lived here all my life, and there are more Californian ex-pats living here than ever before. Why, the other day I tried to swing a cat without hitting one and got arrested when one of those hippies complained. Since when is it illegal for a man to swing a cat, and how are we losing seats when so many of them Californians have moved here?”

Undocumented free-range migratory people advocates were ecstatic. “Finally, our people will receive the representation they deserve and will have a voice in how our country is governed,” said Hilaria Gomez-Sanchez of the group Borderless Maps. “No imaginary line on a map should determine whether people deserve to share in the American dream, no matter how long those lines have existed by international agreement.”

Some Senate Republicans attempted to allay the fears of their constituencies. “I’m sure missing the deadline for the first time in forty years until after we are rid of Trump is a coincidence,” remarked Republican stalwart Pierre Delicto (Cuck-UT). “Hiring Dominion Census Systems is a clear signal that Washington D.C. is returning to business as usual.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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