National Origin A Social Construct, Declares Baldwin

Alec Baldwin, fading Hollywood actor whose history of abusive behavior and violence made him a staple of showbiz headlines throughout his modest career, is back in the spotlight after it was revealed that his wife, Hillary Thomas, has been passing herself off as Spanish-born for at least a decade.

Hillary “Hilaria” Thomas, Baldwin’s wife since 2012, has employed a Spanish accent of varying degrees throughout her public life, much like Hillary Clinton’s ever-changing accents depended on her audience. A biographical profile on Hilary Thomas’ professional webpage claimed she was born in Mallorca, Spain, but she has since revealed she was born in Boston, Massachusetts, and that she was a “different” kind of Bostonian.

“National origins are a social construct,” read a statement released by Baldwin’s agent. “They reflect imaginary lines on a map and not the reality of the human condition.”

Sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed that Baldwin was privately pleased by the attention resulting from the scandal.

“He’s got an ego the size of 30 Rockefeller Plaza, and he craves the spotlight,” one source told The Brie.

“His career highlight was a caricature in Team America: World Police,” said another. “Since then, it’s been one lowlight after another. Hell, he couldn’t stomach the fact that Kim Bassinger had an Oscar and he’d only been nominated. I hear that’s what caused their divorce.”

Since the revelation of his wife’s fraud, Baldwin has gone on the offensive. He and his wife have founded the “Hilaria-US Foundation” to help children who suffer from the newly discovered condition known as National Origin Dysphoria (NOD). He spoke at a hastily organized press conference earlier today.

“NOD is no laughing matter. Through the Hilaria-US Foundation, mi esposa and I hope to bring kids, parents, teachers, and political leaders together to solve this crisis. If it takes a village to raise a child, it will take Hilaria-US to make them feel at home in this world, wherever they want to be from.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

One thought

  1. I miss the days when this was a satire site instead of a straightforward news service.

    Of course, the insanity of the left has made satire impossible, so I’m pleased that Brie has at least found a new niche as America’s news site of record.

    Liked by 1 person

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