President-in-Waiting Elect Harris Announces Bold Immigration Initiative

President-in-Waiting Elect Kamala Harris announced a major addition to her “Hundred Days Plan,” a list of action items for the first months of her administration.

“With my Hundred Days Plan, I’m sending a clear message to the people who got me here that I have not forgotten them,” she announced during a socially distant, quarantine-appropriate pre-recorded video message.

“The Coyote Reparations and Price Stabilization Program, or CRAPS Program, will help roll back the economic apocalypse and environmental holocaust caused by the previous administration’s enforcement of immigration law,” she explained with her trademark patronizing smirk. “Poor little coyotes, whose only crime was being born on the wrong side of an imaginary line on the map, have been persecuted without mercy by my predecessor’s predecessor, and this must stop. Their lives were thrown into chaos when the per-head price to escort free-range migratory people into the United States went into a tail-spin, and they deserve compensation.”

Under the CRAPS Program, Immigration and Customs Enforcement will pay coyotes a flat fee of $5000 for every free-range migratory person escorted into the United States.

“We estimate that in the first year alone, five million free-range migratory people will make the journey north. This will inject twenty-five billion dollars into the economy along the border,” explained Peter Gozinya, economic advisor to the Democrat National Committee. “Twenty-five billion in taxpayer money for five million new Democrat voters is a helluva bargain.”

Some lawmakers questioned the program, in particular the proposed funding source.

“I’m okay with open borders,” said Jack Mehoff, spokesman for the National Chamber of Big Business. “I don’t know if the Privilege Added Tax is the appropriate funding mechanism.”

The Privilege Added Tax (PAT) is a federal sales tax that will be assessed based on a consumer’s Privilege Profile score, calculated by adding points awarded based on gender, race, sexual orientation, and political affiliation, among other demographics. The higher the score, the higher the PAT.

“It’s based on the VAT, or Value Added Tax, which is popular in Europe,” explained Gozinya. When pressed for an explanation of how the VAT and PAT are similar, he stated, “The name. VAT. PAT. They rhyme.”

Author: Girth McFestus

As an infant, Girth McFestus was discovered living with a family of wolves near Chernobyl, Ukraine. An American flag-shaped birthmark on his back caused Ukrainian officials to contact the American embassy, and Girth was repatriated to the U.S. as part of a business deal by the shadowy organized crime figure known only as "The Big Guy." His home is now where he hangs his hat, and the world is his oyster.

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