Republicans across the country are pledging to take up crack cocaine, launder Communist money through their son’s businesses, hire Chinese spies to drive their limousines, and get themselves on the payroll of Chinese spy chiefs if Joe Biden wins the presidency.
“If there really are two Americas like I keep hearing, I want in on that action,” said 78-year-old Mildred Rogers of Two Harbors, Minnesota. “My husband died of asbestosis after working 30 years on the Iron Range, and our leaders sold the American steel industry to China.”
“F*** it,” Mrs. Rogers said. “I might as well start smoking crack if Biden wins.”
“A rising China is a positive, positive development,” said Joe Biden, adding that “it’s in the best interest of Mrs. Rogers” for China to prosper. “The idea that China is going to eat our lunch is bizarre.”
Across the country in Chelan County, Washington, Clyde Russell said his son is working for Google in China.
“I’ve got another 20 years in retirement, and Johnny says I won’t have to worry about a thing if Biden wins,” Mr. Russell said. “I’m still voting for Trump, but it sure would be nice to have a personal Chinese spy to drive me to the drug store twice a week.”
The shocking news comes as Donald Trump is surging in battleground states but is still considered the underdog in the 2020 election.