Dear President Putin: How does a good American get on the Russian government payroll?

In an open letter to President Vladimir Putin, the Sacramento Brie Editorial Board has voted unanimously to request a monthly stipend in Russian rubles.

Dear Mr. Putin,

We have dutifully reported that Bernie Sanders said the next Progressive presidential candidate would have to be a Russian asset, that Iran’s new Quds commander blamed an Internet video for the Baghdad embassy attack, that Joe Biden won the Lenin Peace Prize, and that a Western super-computer will confirm “objective Marxist truth” within five years.

And yet, at the Sacramento Brie, we earned a measly $101.51 in our first three years of operation.

So we would like to know: where is our fair share? What, exactly, does a good American need to do to start the rubles flowing? It can’t be any more complicated than invoking “the big guy.”

We’re only asking because we’re remodeling our kitchen, the extra paycheck would come in handy, everyone named Clinton and Biden is in on it, and we feel like we’re missing out.

Thanks in advance.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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