America’s Newspaper of Record recently reported that Joe Biden “forgot to put on clothes” before a recent speech in Kissimmee, Florida. Neither claim was true.
According to four sources with direct knowledge of this event, Joe Biden ceased to exist shortly after officially declaring his candidacy for president on April 25, 2019, and campaign aides have been transporting his empty suit from one campaign event to another.
“Joe Biden never gave that speech in Kissimmee, with or without clothes,” one of Biden’s best friends told me. “The man once known as Joe Biden has actually been resting unconsciously at home since fall of last year.”
The White House refused to comment, but sources say President Trump himself has leaked a list of candidates to replace Biden on the Harris/Biden ticket.
“Kamala can’t become president without a presidential candidate on the ticket,” said one of Harris’ best friends, “and Democrats are incapable of admitting that electing Biden’s suit would spark a constitutional crisis.”
Sources who confirmed the other sources also said President Trump’s list is being vetted by a shadow campaign that includes Kamala Harris’ best friend, Joe Biden’s best friend, Hillary Clinton’s best friend, and Michelle Obama’s best friend.
“We can’t use the 25th Amendment to make Kamala the president if Biden’s suit can’t legally get the necessary Electoral College votes to be elected,” said one of the friends.
“We hate to admit it, but Trump broke Biden and he broke us,” said one of the sources. “But we’re desperate now, and that’s where Trump’s list comes in.”
These sources, and others quoted in this article, spoke on condition of anonymity.
Editor’s note: The Sacramento Brie’s sensitivity and inclusion thought leader approved this story.