Washington DC (CNN) — A massive outdoor religious gathering approved by Washington DC Mayor Muriel Bowser has signaled the end of COVID-19 restrictions on a population craving grace and desperate with grief. The DC Parks Department said the worship service numbered in the thousands.
Some of the faithful poured out their sadness and inspired each other with testimonies of their conversion, while others prayed for the Universal Life Force to kill all the infidels.
Still others did both, like Planned Parenthood spokesperson Lolita Bovine. “Just because Saint Notorious gone to Paradise doesn’t mean she’s stopped caring about us here on earth,” said Bovine, before her head turned 360 degrees on her shoulders and she threatened to abort everyone in the congregation.
“We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to live in this fascist inferno anymore!” Bovine screamed with full-throated virtue. “Who brought the kool-aid?!”
Organizers said the gathering will honor the good works of Saint Notorious, and estimated that offerings would send several million dollars to Abortion For All and the Biden for President campaign.
“Many of us are able to work, live, and love because of her brilliance,” said a pamphlet handed out to the congregation. “We gather to honor her memory, grieve our loss, and utilize our Collective Resistance to slaughter anyone who stands in our way.”