Science discovers ‘new type of journalism’ that distorts spacetime itself

The world’s news organizations create, print, and distribute more than 440 million newspapers each day. The “news” is everywhere, and so common that most of us take it for granted. But do we know what “the news” is?

That’s what scientists at the Sandia National Laboratories in New Mexico decided to find out. What they discovered instead was unexpected and chilling.

Scientists subjected the entire annual output of the Washington Post and New York Times to the Z Machine, the world’s most powerful and efficient laboratory radiation source.

“The Z machine creates conditions found nowhere else on Earth, which makes it perfect for studying American journalism,” said physicist Dr. Rudis Avskum. “What we found is that American news organizations have created a new type of journalism that distorts space and time so badly that nothing, not even light, can escape from it.”

The problem, according to Dr. Avskum, is “news density.”

“Journalists like to tout their layers and layers of fact checkers, but the higher the density of facts and fact-checkers, the less anyone can know for a fact,” Avskum said. “It’s similar to Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle.”

The team at Sandia is calling it the Avskum Ambiguity Principle: As the number of journalists covering a story increases, the more opaque the truth becomes.

“Modern journalism has created the exact opposite of what it claims,” Avskum said. “At its current density, what we call ‘the news’ is utterly opaque. Thankfully, there are signs that the tsunami is receding. Less news could be what saves Western Civilization.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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