Jeff Zucker thought he’d had enough when he hired famed strategist Erwin Rommel to fix the embarrassing “news” coverage of America’s civil war battlefields.
But late last night, with less than 24 hours on the job, Rommel was fired after being implicated in a plot to produce factual news broadcasts. To fix the awkward situation, Zucker appointed Joseph Goebbels as the on-site news producer for CNN’s 5th Column.
“The purpose of Black Lives Matter is to frighten America’s civilian population into abandoning the Confederate cause,” Rommel said. “I thought Zucker hired me to zero in on the facts of the American war. But if he wants ‘truth not facts’ then Goebbels is his man.”
Zucker said Rommel forced his hand by producing on-screen blurbs like “Resistance forces scorch earth after police shooting” and “Make Wisconsin Howl.”
“C’mon man!” Zucker reportedly said to Rommel. “It is vitally important to use all our powers to repress dissent. Facts are the mortal enemy of our truth, and so facts are greatest enemy of victory.”
At the press conference announcing his appointment, Goebbels said, “I don’t have Erwin’s legendary situational awareness, but I’m a team player. And that makes me the ideal CNN producer.”