CNN hires Erwin Rommel to fix embarrassing battlefield news coverage

Update: Erwin Rommel has been fired after less than 24 hours on the job. He is replaced by Joseph Goebbels.

Jeff Zucker, the CEO of CNN, has had enough, and he’s not taking it anymore.

“The embarrassing coverage of America’s civil war battlefields has reached its zenith,” Zucker said. “I mean, c’mon man! Who writes that ‘mostly peaceful protests’ are ‘fiery’ and stages shot after shot in front of burning buildings? We can do better.”

To fix the awkward situation, Erwin Rommel is stepping in as the on-site news producer for CNN’s 5th Column.

“Erwin has a pronounced talent for teaching and a deep understanding of teamwork,” Zucker said. “His unusual courage, natural gift of leadership, and unparalleled situational awareness make him the ideal CNN producer.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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