Vanta Black signs Hollywood contract to play every black role until 2030

Comparison of the light-absorption qualities of Zoe Saldana vs. Vanta Black. Photo courtesy of Hollywood superagent Blart Versenwald.

The actor known as Vanta Black has secured the sole and exclusive right to play every black movie role between now and the year 2030, according to an announcement made mere hours after Guardians of the Galaxy star Zoe Saldana apologized for not being black enough to play Nina Simone.

Vanta Black, known in the acting community as the darkest actor ever to attend acting school, has skin that absorbs up to 99.965% of visible light, according to experts who have made the measurements.

“She’s perfect for 21st century black roles,” said leading Hollywood agent Blart Versenwald. “When studio lights are perpendicular to Vanta’s skin, the surface of her body appears to be utterly flat, and even in normal light it’s extremely difficult to see any of her three-dimensional features.”

Directors who care will find a way to overcome the challenges of filming her, Versenwald said. And directors who fail to capture her beauty on film will likely find themselves blacklisted.

Saldana, who wore skin-darkening make-up for her role as Simone, said she “should have never played Nina.”

“I should have tried everything in my power to cast a Black woman to play an exceptionally perfect Black woman,” Saldana said. “If I had known Vanta existed, the world today would know more about Simone’s journey even if the actor playing her appeared to be two-dimensional.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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